Quarterlife Mocha Girl

Wednesday, May 30, 2007


Part two of the Dude Diet (The part you really want to read)by author of Take Her Man, Grace Octavia.
"See what ya'll need to know is that men are predators!" That's what a handsome, intelligent, and happily married business man said to me over a beer just two days ago at Memorial Weekend barbeque. The topic of discussion was last week's blog topic, "THE DUDE DIET." Believe it or not, I was surrounded by men—Two happily married, and two single, ALL OF WHICH HAD A LOT TO SAY about our topic.

The major point that they all made was what I knew already to be true from my male friends—men hate games, men love women, men love easy women, men let easy women, men are willing to chase any woman IF HE FEELS SHE'S WORTH HAVING. Now, I know many of these ideas will need clarification—I can already feel you sister girls out there squealing at the words, "easy," and "worth having." If you are anything like most independent women, you're like WTF? Let me clarify before we move forward with the diet—easy does not mean sexually—to quote one of the single brothers who was explaining that he laughs when he gets meals for having done nothing, cards in the mail to say "hello" for no apparent reason and gifts that will not be reciprocated: "IT'S TOO EASY. We like it, but it's too easy." Therefore, "easy" means the easy passage of unwarranted affection and/or attention. Further. "worth it" does not mean that the man is there measuring you with some kind of stick—because we all know sisters have it GOING on! Rather, they explained that it means that they are actually truly interested in YOU the same way you are interested in them. The girl flipping burgers at Wendy's can be worth it if he WANTS her. But if he doesn't then nothing she will do can change how and in what manner he chooses not to pursue her. FURTHER—NOW LADIES LISTEN HERE!!!!—in comparison, EVEN if she is a CEO of a fortune 500 company and has a mansion and a Benz, SHE MAY NOT BE worth it to Cable man if HE IS NOT INTO HER! So, let go of that, "I'm so complete... I'm more "worth it" than the next woman mentality. And know that it is not about material goods or looks. Being worth it is about the connection you two make. If it is there, he will come sniffing…if not, you may find yourself with few returned calls and then stood up.

This is about understanding yourself and others. Considering your communication skills and how they might be hindering you from finding true love and/or realizing your dreams. It's all in good fun and PLEASE don't take any of this as "WORD." I am no master and I am SINGLE. I just happen to observe and love talking to and keeping company with men in order to better understand our relationships. So, alas, I am not only the "president," I am also a "client." HAVE FUN, LADIES AND BROTHERS.


Introduction: If you are reading this, you are a lover. You love deeply and seek a lover that is deep and present. You believe in love and pray it will conquer all. But you realize that there is a problem—it seems that you are not always coming out of the relationships you enter, receiving the return of love you provide. You show up—he's late. You call—he doesn't return your call. You buy a gift—he opens it and says, "Thanks… You want cheese on the burger? Can we go dutch?" You are tired of this uneven response and have often wondered—AM I giving too much of myself in LOVE? Could I get more if I give less? Sadly, honey, only you the men you date and the sister you know who probably already tell you to pull back a bit, can answer the first question.

Perhaps it always STARTS that way. He answers your "I just woke up" and "I'm going to bed" calls…he meets your mama during week 4…but then he just disappears into thin air and you're like WTF? If you want relief and to try something new to perhaps get a different result, try some of the tips below and see if perhaps you can get more LOVE by giving less. Remember that this diet is not quantitative; it is qualitative. Moreover, it's not about how many times you call, it's about how you call, why, and the response you get.

6 Steps Lose the Baggage and Get the Love You Deserve

1. TAKE CARE OF YOU: 8 Steps to a Healthier You, And a Healthier Dating Life

The DUDE DIET is modeled after the Weight Watcher's, so I had to begin with the STEPS TO HEALTHIER living, which every WW's girl lives by. The goal of these steps is to make sure that while you are dating, dating is NOT ALL you are doing. Don't PUT all of your stock into getting a man and getting married and getting a house, and then a baby then a dog. There is more to life, sisters, and believe it or not, taking care of yourself will make you dating life much more interesting and fulfilling. You will be more attractive and you won't be sitting by the phone or ALWAYS available, because you will be BUSY. Get out there, girl!


A Healthy Mind: Always work on developing your mind. Take a class, teach a class, read a book and try something new. Never be content with knowing only what's in front of you.

A Healthy Body: If you are calling someone as soon as you wake up, you probably aren't putting on your jogging shoes and heading to the park. Keep your body in check, so your mind will be sound. Working out will keep you busy and focused. Eating right helps your skin and thought process.

A Healthy Soul: Pray about it! When was the last time you took time to pray? Build upon your foundation, and surely nothing and no one can take you down.

A Healthy Relationship with Friends and Family: If you can only seem to dial one number—his—when you pick up your phone, you are probably neglecting someone. Maintain ties with your family and friends. They were there before and they will be there afterwards.

A Healthy Relationship with Your Children: PUT THEM first. If your date doesn't know how to deal with them, don't deal with him. Take your children to the park and to the library. AVOID ignoring them to chat on the phone with anyone. Their time is their time. Make if count.

A Healthy Bank Account: Tithe to the church and tithe to your bank account. Building a healthy financial future means you will not need to depend on anyone. Better yet, if they are doing the same, you two will be twice as wealthy.

A Healthy Future:
PLAN for tomorrow while you are living today. Always be able to answer the question: Where will I be in five years.

A Healthy Home: Nothing attracts filth like filth. Keep your hope clean and you will feel more excited about the prospects of the day.

**Altogether, what we can call these eight steps is "having a life." Focus on your life and then you can never go wrong. Any man will notice this and say, "Damn, girl, you have it going on!" Let's hope he does too! But that's for you to decide.

2. TAKE NOTICE OF THE SITUATION: Why is we seldom opt to lose weight until the issue is staring us dead in the face—like at the Doctor's office when your pressure was up? It seem was didn't notice that the clothes were getting smaller and the meals bigger. There were signs along the way, but we ignored them. Needing a dude diet is similar to the needing a regular diet. We either ignore or are in denial about the issue altogether. We say, "That's just how I am… People need to accept me… I love hard…" but as the age-old saying goes, "If you always do what you've always done, then you'll always get when you already got!" Again, this may not be you, but maybe it is and you just can't see it. You haven't taken notice of the situation at hand. You learned in high school that is not a good idea to tell every girl on the cheerleading team your secrets, yet you tell every man your business by the third date. You realized that you can't call people's house after 10pm when you were 12, but you still keep calling men at 1am talking about, "I just want to say goodnight, baby." POINT BLANK: You're doing too much. Take notice. HE WILL LIKE IT in the beginning. Men love attention and good stories. He will seem spellbound and even return your late night calls, but it will get played out quick and you will be left wondering where the love went. If this you? Take notice of it and decide if you need to correct some of your communicative behaviors—as you did when you were young. Remember step one of healthy living--- A Healthy Mind never stops learning.

3. TAKE NOTICE OF HIM: There are two things you must decide about EVERY man you allow into your life—1. If he's worth your time of day. 2. If he's giving you the time of day. On the first point, STOP making exceptions and excuses for people you don't really like. That doesn't mean you can't love that convict. You could. But don't if you can't and don't try to change him. Stop acting as if you need someone to CHOOSE you and CHOOSE someone. Settling will only get you a settlement and we all know that's less than market value.

3.THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ASPECT—ask yourself if the person is truly into you, if you find you are into them. Now this is hard to do, but it simply takes honestly on your part—not his. Look into his eyes. Pay attention to how he is paying attention to you. Notice if he is opening up his world to you. If he is trying to impress and please you. If he watches you and anticipates your needs. See if he allows you to take your time and is vocal about what he wants. THESE ARE THE signs of man in "like." If you like him, this is good. Be sure to meet him reasonably where he is at—men like approval, but don't give the whole kit and caboodle, just because he is expressing that he likes what's in the window. Let him stand there for a while and just WANT and just LIKE. They say they don't like it, but every woman knows that leaving a good date before he is ready to go, will ALWAYS get you a call the next day. He'll be panting, but don't roll out the red carpet you've got more thinking to do. DO YOU REALLY LIKE HIM? It's probably only date one or two. You don't know anything about him. SLOW DOWN.

4. TAKE YOUR TIME: This is where things get hard and confusing. Those who don't like "games" will say they don't wish to be modulated; those who love games will go to far and probably lose a good catch. I for one hate little games, but I have come to realize that in ALL OF THE following aspects of MY TIME—if I am not modulating myself, I am probably ignoring other aspects of my life and not taking care of me and thus…les interesting to both him and me.

Phone Calls—I may be a bad person to talk about this, because I am not a phone person, but I will say that MOST women have issues when it comes to calling. WOMEN call so much that men hardly have to do any calling and most of my girls admit that they DON'T even realize that a man ISN'T calling at all until they stop calling the man and hear nothing but silence. Practice recognition and diversity. In other words, recognize if you are calling too much and if no one is calling you and CALL other people if you REALLY want to call him. NOTE: Again, in the beginning he will call if he likes you, but if you return the favor in too much excess, it will get played out quick. Also be careful with the lengths of calls. Most of my male friends admit that they stop listening after a while. If you hear Playstation in the back ground, don't get upset. Men are visual.

Dates—Yes, I know you "loves Dante" and want to see him "erry night" but what about step one? POINT: Enjoy good dating, but know when they are lasting too long and when it's time to come up for air. Stop giving up all of your time as if there was nothing to you before he arrived. Your gym misses you. Your girls miss you. You haven't read Take Her Man! Do some me time and stop being available like a panting puppy every time he picks up the phone.

Information—On dates and over the phone, stop telling every man your entire life story. WAIT until he deserves to know about your abortion and your mama's jail time. Your plans for the future and that you hate garlic. Let him work for that piece of you. The overall point here is that your MUST stop giving yourself to everyone who seems willing to listen. Accept that everyone doesn't need to know your story. Keep it light and funny in the beginning. NOTE: Again, men like stories—trust me, I tell stories and I know. They won't stop you if you are telling to much. They will listen and listen and then think… "dang, what did I do to deserve knowing all of this about her?" as he walks to his car, a complete MYSTERY TO YOUR TALKING ASS!

Sex—Practice has taught me that, yes, you should ONLY DO IT WHEN YOU WANT TO. THERE IS SOMETHING TO BE SAID FOR KEEPING YOUR LEGS CLOSED! I am frugal and I hate wasting time and money. More importantly, I hate opening up my body to someone who may not BE HERE for the next episode. SMELL ME? I have found that waiting for sex yields even more interesting results than giving it away. Most times I discover by date three that I hate the man and am glad I didn't follow my human hormones or after dancing close in the club (you all know that trick) it would never work. Now you may decide this after date one or two. It's up to you. But soon you will grow tired of the shadows in between your sheets. They aren't all worth that side of you.

Finances—Read my older blog, "Should the man pay" to decide how you feel about this, but whether it is personal choice or not, know that you should not be coming out of your pocket to always treat anyone. This goes for those unwarranted gifts women like to buy and trips to the movies where you pay because "it was your idea." HEAR ME NOW: STOP MAKING DATES WHERE THERE IS NO DATE! You can't trick him into being your man by treating him to a bunch of freebies. No trick or treating allowed in love.

Personal Space—STOP inviting these men into your personal space. I am bad with this. I hardly ever have men over at all. I am a private person when it comes to people rolling around on my bed and sucking up my already bad air conditioning, so I prefer to visit them. This is because like my body, my place is a sacred. It is a gift to have me open up my home and allow you in. I need to know first that I like you. HEAR ME NOW: if he is NOT inviting you to his place after date three, there is a problem. It may be big (his girl lives there), it may be small (he has no couch)…but there's something.

Further, it could be a sign that he's just not into you enough to bring you home. Like calling, don't always volunteer your house, when his is never volunteered. Also, watch out for the brothers who ONLY want to come over… NO NO NO! Never allow anyone into your home that you don't know. If he doesn't want to take you out, don't take him seriously. Further, where cars are concerned, treat it like money. Don't be the unpaid chauffer.

Letting Go When It's Gone—Honey, when you realize that it's over, let it go and move on. DON'T ask questions or try to figure it out. DON'T ACCEPT excuses for missed calls of dates. MEN will say anything not to hurt you and make you cry—especially nice men. IF they don't really like you, they may invent a problem and confusion. They may come up with lots of excuses. JUST MOVE ON! If you want to be friends, do it, but don't ask for more. AND DON'T SLEEP with him. HE WON'T STOP you and he won't change his mind. Simply, move on to what's in store for you around the corner…or at step 5!

5. TAKE THE LEAP: Love…sweet love. After dieting, you may find it. You might lose your baggage and get the love you deserve. If not, it's not love lost! Keep practicing in step one and something bigger will be in store.

--Grace Octavia is the author of Take Her Man: A Novel--IN STORES NOW!!


  • At May 30, 2007 at 7:48:00 PM PDT, Blogger deeprootedconfusion said…

    Whoa! That was deep. I need to e-mail this to ole girl from church.

  • At May 31, 2007 at 6:16:00 AM PDT, Blogger B_More BAP Life said…

    Right on to this one!!

  • At June 7, 2007 at 11:04:00 AM PDT, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I've always subscribed to the don't-rush-into-it school of thought and i think i have done so successfully. but it it seems like i chase guys away when i do that! i don't blow up his phone, never tell him my life story etc. next thing I know he's not calling anymore. i know that if he was really that into me he'd stick
    around, but it would be nice to
    be in a relationship again! seems like for me it's damned if you do, damned if you don't


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