Yesterday

You need to let it go
You take on too much
You carry too much on your shoulders
Learn to say no
Learn to start taking care of Alisha, instead of everyone else.
You are not perfect, stop being wishy washy and just say no
God wants you live freely
You've got decisions to make. Trust yourself.

That's what I was told in Bible study last night. I attended our youth Bible study since I am an advisor. The teacher, who is my Sunday School teacher ( I haven't been in God knows how long!)decided to pray for each of us and she said if God put something on her heart to say, she was going to say it.

That's what she said.

She was SO ON POINT! I have never talked to her about any issues I have. Maybe once, but that was so long ago.

This is the real: I have a problem with saying no--to anyone, about anything in reason. If I have an inkling of thought that I can do it, I will. Always wanting to please people, always wanting to be committed, hold up my end of the bargain. I have been struggling with this for the last year or two. Even if it's something I don't want to do, I'll still do it. I can remember off the top of my head one time telling someone "no" (as far as church is concerned.). Mama and everyone else has told me it's okay to not do everything. I get it. I don't think I'm perfect, nor do I try to be. My attitude can get much to crappy for that.

When I don't do something, it comes off as being flaky. Flaky, I am at times. No denying that one, I guess. Sometimes, I just want to go to church and sit in the pew, without anyone looking to me or asking me whatever. But is that right?

She said I have decisions to make. Hmm....

Monday, out of the blue, I got a call from the publisher of the local AA women's mag I'd been freelancing for. Some kind of twisted way, I ended up interviewing for the head staff writer position there yesterday. I had no idea what she talking about when she called. Apparently, I'd sent my resume in months ago before I got this job and she's just now getting to it. She and the editor-in-chief went on and on my writing and she clearly wants me on board. Can somebody tell me just how this happened?

Yes, one of my goals has been to be published magazine writer. But recently, my goals took a turn and now I'm teaching financial eduation. And I like it, except I have this nervous bug about how long the program will last. I don't want to abandon the program and opportunity before it even gets off the ground. In the interview or "talk" the publisher asked me where did I see myself in the next 10 years.

In my mind, there was DEAD SILENCE......(except the crickes chirping.)

I don't know (I didn't tell her that.). Like really, I don't know. Do I want to write, do PR, teach, what? I have no idea.

They pointed out that I have a "well-rounded' resume." Understatement of the year.

So when she said at Bible study I have decisions to make, she ain't never lied. I've been praying to God to show me the way in terms of my whole life. My career(s), personal, emotional life---everything. Because sometimes I feel lost. And I don't feel any less of a person admitting that. I need His help.

Am I really considering taking the job? I don't know. We haven't talked money yet, but they know how much I'd expect. Jumping from one career field to another is scary to me. So something has to be compensated for.

But back to the Bible Study.....

It was packed with youth and everyone left out crying, red-eyed and sniffing. Not in a bad way, but it just goes to show that no matter how old you are, you deal with things. Everyone has a story. Kids are acting out because they're hurting and don't even know why they behave the way they do. They wonder why they have the lives they have, instead of someone else's. No one is exempt from that. It was touching that they were so excited about prayer and learning more about God. He is a true friend and every week, they are seeing that He is real.

So that's what keeps me going, doing what I do in church, even though it's not as much as I would like it to be at times. I am a work in progress. We all are.

Okay, I'm off my box, but I had to get that out.