Reflections

Last night was a night of reflection for me. It'd been bothering me that I couldn't find anything to blog about that hasn't already been covered on the 13,988 blogs I ready daily. There are some things on my mind that of course, I care not to discuss here, but I do have an idea.

Since my quest to take a quick nap after work was banished by my need to watch Baldwin Hills (Damn you, Gerren. Damn you!) and True Life:I'm a Compulsive Shopper, I actually stayed up for awhile in a slump. I'm still on this thing about me finding out what I ultimately should be doing. Should I continue to apply for jobs out of state? Do I REALLY need to move away right now? Is my current job where I should be or is PR/journalism the way? No doubt, I'm confused as hell. I talked to God (as I do daily) and just asked him to show me something. And if he's showing me, open my eyes even wider where I can see. Please!

Not to mention, with all of my traveling and catching up with people, last night was the first time in about month that I was in solitude. I was actually lonely. Not alone and chillin like I usually am. I was lonely. It sucked terribly. So I asked God to take that feeling away, as well.

On a whim, I pulled out an old tattered black, spiral notebook, which was my "journal" back in 1998-99. I'd recently pulled all of my notebooks and journals from my old bedroom at home when my niece stayed a few nights. She is some kind of nosey! I had written about 55 poems in a section of the journal. I decided to read them and see what was on my mind at 17 years old.

Damn, they were really good! I can't imagine that I had some of those feelings to be so young. Some of the poems clearly didn't reflect my life, but just things that I thought were important. From a wake up call to Black men (still so relevant!) to young women having to sacrifice for their children, love and faith. It was all there. I was blown away. How I wish I had that drive and will to write like that now. I remember sitting in my room with no television or radio on and just writing. Good stuff.

I was inspired all over again. Maybe it won't be poems this time around (I think I'm too free-flowing for that), but it'll be something. With that being said, do you keep a journal? If so, how long have do so and how has it helped you?

Back Again

I'm back from Chicago. Had fun. But still tired. Still thinking about Gino's East pizza. MMMMMM.....I think I might have some shipped to my house in the next month or two. Just to treat myself.

I'm sure there are tons of newsworthy or thought-provoking topics I could be writing about, but my mind is preoccupied with stuff. I've been applying to jobs...everywhere. Now that I've gotten that down, I think some of these positions require a follow-up. Don't you think sometimes when you send resumes to those generic email addresses (hr@blah.com) that it falls into the endless Black Hole never to be recovered. Damn shame, but I know it's true. I may start sending my pic with my resume. Employee profiles have pics, so why shouldn't my resume and CV?

Anywho, it hit me last week that my NYC trip is at the end of August. Exactly a month from today. What do I pack, bring? So many questions, so little time. I have a very small budget for NYC purchases. I can't blow it. Did I mention that I left my camera at my LS reception in BR, so now that's yet another expense. I felt so weird going to Chicago without my camera. eWWWW!!

I would like to go out on a date. To see Dark Knight, specifically. And eat sushi. Maybe it will happen..maybe it won't. Let's see what happens.

I keep having these dreams about this guy, but I don't know who it is. There is this awesome feeling that I have when I with him, but of course...I can't see his face!!! DAMMIT! I feel like I know who it is....

My niece and nephew are visiting from Louisiana. As tired as I was when I got back from CHI, I still stayed with them and my two cousins and mama to watch Welcome Home, Roscoe Jenkins. Mike Epps is a FOOL! I love him still!

Oooh, and gas prices went down. By like 8 cents! Good stuff.

That should not make me THAT HAPPY!

He Gon Cry in the Car....

Kudos to you if you know where that line came from. It gets me everytime! The answer is Friday...after Debo took Red's chain that his grandmama gave him.

This post really has nothing to do with nothing, but I'll continue. I receive press releases from BlackNews.com all day long and one of them that I received today was about a book titled, The Things Men Cry About. I clicked on it, thinking I could get some insight on that, maybe a list or something. I mean, the jury is still out on how I feel about men crying. I guess it depends on the circumstances and what they're crying for.

Then it hit me...my friend and I were talking about how pathetic whatshisface was on this season of The Real World. Will! That's it. If you've been watching you'll know that to get back in good graces with his GF, he goes to the bathroom and wells up these fake tears. Seriously, looking in the mirror, blinking like a crazy man to make himself "cry" because he needs her in his life.

And you know what? She fell for it!

What the hell??? How pathetic and sheisty can you be? It's enough that he made out with a cast member (who finally got a relaxer or a flat iron to that head. I'm all for natural, but it looked like a pile of shit on her head.). NOW, you're in the doghouse, so you decide to cry.

But there's a catch...the footage airs on national television dummy!

Some people just don't think about the longterm...

Venting Session

Hello World!

I'm back from The Boot (AGAIN). I guess I can't stay away. I had many, many thoughts while I there for my family reunion and LS' wedding, but this has been on my mind for a minute.

Obviously, nothing came of Mr. Texter. I don't have time for people who cannot communicate properly, especially, when I'm really trying to work on my communication and open up. So regarding that: Moving on....nothing to see here, folks.

At first (because I'm psycho over this dating/love thing), I beat myself up over not giving him or many others a fair shot. However, I think there are things that should just be done in order to get to know someone and a relationship to flourish. Am I crazy? Also, it has been SO FREAKING LONG since I have actually ANTICIPATED my phone ringing or seeing a guy. It has been so long since I got that "giddy" feeling over a guy. Yes, sometimes it can hurt in the long run, but it feels so damn good.

I mean, it's really been a long time. So basically, what I'm saying is....

I want a Teenage Love Affair!!! This is so ironic because after I'd had this thought...months ago, here comes ole Alicia with this song and video. I thought it was so sweet. Since I missed out on a a TLA when I actually was a teenager, I think now's a good a time as any. Keeping with this same theme, I talked to a friend the other day who is loving the way things are going with her new friend, and I could hear her glowing through the phone. It's crazy! I remember having that feeling. It was like a breath of fresh air. Let me exhale for a second.

So anyway, I had to get that out. I saw an old crush/friend this weekend and I had those little feelings again. Ahhhh! (exhaling again).

Things are so much more fun. Patience is key though. In due time.

Alicia Keys - Teenage Love Affair
Uploaded by BlackAndree

Sidebar: I did have a semi-TLA as a teenager and we're still cool to this day. I just forgot about that one. Boy, did I like him!

Put Your Vision Up

From My Skirt! Blog

A funny thing happened as I was watching Oprah on my day off last week. The funny thing is I was actually inspired. As much as I love the Media Queen, sometimes, her show topics go right over my head. Laying on the sofa, wrapped in my fleece throw, I decided to take the volume off of mute and see what was going on with Miss O.

The author of The Secret was on the panel with several other women, talking about positive thinking, giving more and getting more in return. Stuff I already knew, pretty much. It wasn’t until the last segment that I perked up. A life coach was encouraging everyone to create Vision Boards.

A vision board is a cutesy collage. All of the places, things, achievements, jobs, ideas you hope to have in the future go on that board. They interviewed several women who’d created these boards and eventually those things or ideas on the board came to fruition. They say seeing is believing though.

I immediately jumped on the vision board bandwagon, planning to visit Wal-Mart and pick up a foam board and glue and cut up old magazines. I was pumped because I believe in laws of attraction. More importantly, I believe that faith in God will take you as far as you can go. However, you need to actually do some things to reach your goal.

Shortly thereafter, I thought to myself, “You ought to be ashamed of yourself.” LOL. I teach money management classes to low-income residents and one of the FIRST assignments is make a collage of what they hope to achieve through our program. I’ve explained the assignment so many times, gave my schpill about how important it is to put things down on paper, I can’t tell you. Had I done a collage or vision board?

Nope.

It’s time to stop talking the talk and walk the walk. I'll let you know how it turns out.
(Off to Wal-Mart to buy my board..)

http://www2.oprah.com/spiritself/slide/20080627/slide_20080627_284_106.jhtml

On To Some Better Stuff

I just read the last maybe five or six posts and all of them were on this negative vibe. You know, me complaining, "venting" about the ish that really irks me to no end. That's all well and good. I'd much rather get my frustrations out than keep them bottled up. That's never a good thing.

Ironically, this weekend my mom asked me was I "unhappy." I said no, but if I based that answer on my posts and how I've been feeling maybe 30% of time, that would be a bold-faced lie. All of this venting about the things I don't like and I want to change--and I've not written about all of the tings that are RIGHT and GOOD with my life.

I'll start with Essence and how this one weekend has encouraged me to get up, get out and do something...

For starters, New Orleans is like my 2nd/3rd home. Home is where the heart is, so I was already off to a good start. After the strongest margaritas I've ever had from Serrano's, my LS and I had to take a stroll through Tar-get to sober up. Fast forward to Friday night's concert--->>>>>>>>>>>



I'm no longer ashamed to say as a grown-a$$ woman, I was HIGHLY entertained by Chris Breezy! I jumped up and screamed so loud, I had to calm my own self down. Hey...don't judge me. You watch that youngin grind and wind to Mad Cobra's Flex and see if you don't forget he's only 18!

KANYE.CHANGED.MY.LIFE.

I'm a fan. I have the albums. I watch the performances. I have some mixtapes. None of them do justice to his live show. His energy. His charisma is so inspiring.

"You ever wonder if you'll find your dream?"

Word.

The flashing lights (no pun intended), his message and the crowd all worked together to push one theme into my brain.

DETERMINATION

Now you know Ye' is some other ish sometimes, but listening to him explained everything. You deserve the best that God has for you. You just have to believe and go out and get it. Operative words being "get it." Not wait for it, but get it.

Saturday and Sunday were awesome, as well. We did the Convention Center. I met the dude himself, Roland Martin. He remembered me from a NABJ conference back in 2002. Sunday's itinerary was wonderful. We got the word from Pastor D, Juanita Bynum and I finally saw my favorite gospel group, Tye Tribbett and GA. Check it out:



Do you see my future boss in the red? Angela Burt-Murray, Essence editor-in-chief (Claim it!)

To top that off, my old college roomie gave me a free ticket to Sunday's show to see Mary J. and Maze.

Mary....I heart you. She poured her heart and soul out onto the stage. She shed tears. She talked to us. All 20,000 of us! Words cannot express her performance. The entire week, I've been on Kanye and Mary. Good stuff.

Frankie Beverly and Maze: The REAL Headliners. They never disappoint. I was told I had wear all white to the show because Frankie Beverly wears all white. I guess my white graphic tee with metallic lettering worked.

Thanks, roomie! Love ya!

Happy Feelings, Golden Time of Day, We Are One, Before I Let Go

Ooh, Lawd, we were jamming. The Dome was packed with beautiful black people in white, doing the bus stop all over the place, dancing and singing to their folks.

I most definitely will be back next year!
So as you can see, life is still good. GREAT to be exact. It is what you make it. Next stop...the fam reunion in the BR.

Dontgetit

I'm back from a week's worth of work and sleep. I know you want to see the Essence pics. However, I must move to more pressing issues at this time. Well, kids..I've to the realization for the 100th and final time that...

I just don't get it....

It could be myself and the way I feel, men or dating. Hell, let's just say "it" is all of the above.

This is what my issue has always been, apparently....according to other folks. I don't make myself avaialable or show enough interest. Hmm....before I totally disagreed. In my mind, if I held a conversation with you, went out with you, even answered the phone when a guy called or returned a phone call, that was showing interest. As I've gotten older, I realized that you can go out on dates with someone daily and still not feel any chemistry or assume there's interest there. Point taken.

So what is making yourself available, without being too available? Once I tell you what my day is like, but I'm free for the rest of the day, what else is there? I ask did you have anything in mind. You carry on with the conversation like whatever. So who's really unavailable?

This guy I'm "associating" with is about as weird as they come with this dating thing. And I'm not even sure I really like him. I don't have much to base it on, I guess. It seems to be more of a game than anything. I don't get it, nor do I have time for it. I need time to reflect on what's going on in my life. What am I thinking? What do I want? What am I afraid of? What am I ready for?

I can admit now that I was in a semi-major funk after leaving the Big Easy because I didn't see That One. Shame on me for feeling that way, but so what? I care about the boy. There, I said it. I was all looking forward to getting a lot of ish off my chest about us. Not to salvage some type of relationship, but to do it for me. For my own sake. Clear my conscience. Say everything I should've said, everything he ever wanted to hear since we met. I think I'd feel much better. Who cares how he feels about it? This was supposed to be about me!

So, of course, that didn't happen. After a complete week of catching up on sleep and wondering if I need to commit myself to a psychiatric ward (just kidding), I've getting over the idea of never seeing him again (again!). Whatever.

So that brings me back to my annoyance with the current dude and whoever decided to work my nerves this past week. I'm over this lil funk now, however. Time to move on to the next phase...figuring out what I want to do with my life because it has to get better. I'm most certainly blessed and thankful for everything God has done for me, but there's nowhere to go, but up now.

Time to get to work.

.....

Okay, so I'm sitting here at my home desk when I need to be preparing for bed. It's only 10 p.m., by the way. Since I came back from New Orleans, all I want to do is sit in my room and look at the walls. Listen to my Tye Tribbett CD, think...think..think.

As proof that I have so much on my mind, I have even resorted to blogging at home. You know that I can't write in my room. Most blogging is done..you guessed it--on the JOB. I wish I could get out verbally how I'm feeling about this situation without feeling so terribly stupid or like my head is in the clouds. Maybe it is though.

I think that's all I'll write for right now though.

I have to put clothes in the dryer.

Good night...

Good Morning!

Hey Kids!

I'm back from Essence and tired as ever! Never fear, I'll post random thoughts and a recap of the weekend with pics in few. For now, check out Jazmine Sullivan's first official video for "I Need You Bad." Later.

Feeling a Little Sleepy...

I am just coming from a walk to Walgreens for some over the counter drugs. While in the elevator up to the penthouse, I thought of Xscape's "Feels So Good." THAT was my jam. Off the Hook is a classic. Even though I was in the eighth grade, you couldn't tell me I didn't know what she was talking about in "Who Can I Run To?" Ahh, the memories.

Dammit, the code to post is disabled on Youtube. Oh well...you remember the video, right?

This time tomorrow I will be in one of my favorite places--New Orleans---for Essensce Fest. I told my resident homie, this is my first time. Be gentle. Yes, I went to school and lived in Louisiana for five years, yet this is my FIRST time going to Essence.

???????

I know, right? We're going the first night with Ri Ri, Chris, J. Holiday and Kanye'. I'm so excited. Not too excited about that drive though. But it is what it is.

Drinks, some good food, good music and people. Can't beat that in my book.

In other non-Essence news, I hope to get freed of some things this weekend--speaking of Independence Day. Okay, I didn't speak of it yet, but everyone knows tomorrow is the 4th. We'll see how that goes. I'm taking notes on 3x5 index cards and carrying them with me all weekend. I have some ish to say!!

You think it's a game. But it's so.not.

Happy Independence Day! Have fun and be safe.

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Through the Eyes of Someone Else

It is apparent to me that we always see ourselves completely different from how others see us. Since Mr. Texter keeps in contact with me daily, trying to figure me out, he's gotten a very brief glimpse into the woman who is..me.

That doesn't say much, because I am complex. A complex simplicity, indeed.

Let's go back to this weekend. After getting delayed messages hours later, I missed out on his proposed quickie lunch date and met him at an outdoor mall near the restaurant, instead. Weird, right? Well, it was in the same complex as the restaurant, he'd already eaten and I needed to pick up some flip flops from Express. Walking around the store, I suggest he peruse through the graphic tees and he quickly gives me the no-sir. Not his style, he said. What-ever. He quietly takes a seat at the front of the store when he sees my eyes light up. Think: Take An Additonal 20% Off Redline Items. You get my drift, right?

I purchase only my flip flops (forgot my coupon!) and continue to saunter (as my mama says) around the mall. Light cotton wrap dress, flat gladiator sandals, bangle bracelet and oversized bag. Basically, just being me.

Yesterday, he tells me that I'm not what he pegged me to be. He says, "You're girly!"

Ladies and gentlemen, that is the understatement of the year. I mean, just last night, I started and ended WWIII trying to kill a fly with a shoe. I got his ass, too, btw! He likes the great outdoors. I do, too, if the temperature is just right, a beach is nearby and I can relax with a plate of delicious food and a drink. He likes golf. I do, too, if Putt-Putt counts. I am a GIRLY GIRL. So I ask him what did he think of me. He thought I had a "rougher edge." Umm, okay. Whatever you say, sir. How'd you come to that conclusion?

"Uhh, I don't know."

Exactly. And I don't either.

Today I am....

aggravated. For reasons I care not to discuss. How about just for GP? Is there a such a thing as POST menstrual syndrome?

Off to WebMD....